Each year, I strive to reflect and review what’s happened throughout the year; it’s a great way to get grounded before establishing my goals for the next year. 2023 has been a year of profound growth and change. I’m proud of having survived this year, thrilled to be a new Lola (grandmother), and much wiser and clearer about who I am and what I value. As I look ahead with optimism, I wanted to take the time to reflect on what this year has meant. Pausing to celebrate and to consider the biggest lessons learned this year, here are my top three conclusions:
In the midst of caring for others, it’s more critical than ever to find ways to care for yourself.
This year, we gained a beautiful grandson, and just 2 weeks later, we lost my partner’s wonderful mom following complications from what we expected to be relatively minor surgery. The juxtaposition of such joy against such profound loss was emotionally confusing; yet, those of us who’ve lived through miracles and through loss know you need to find ways to keep moving forward.
We wanted to simultaneously support and celebrate the new little family, while also supporting and caring for True’s dad & brothers. To do so, we had to divide and conquer, with me in Virginia and True in Louisiana. Though we spoke multiple times a day, I feel regret that I wasn’t there physically to support my partner and grieve with him; I know he feels the loss of not being with the Little Fam for the first month of our grandson’s life as originally was planned.
We’re both strong people, and we came through. We dedicated ourselves to helping both of our families through major transitions all year and in all, spent nearly 4 months on the road helping out one family or the other, while still managing a big corporate career (his) and running a consulting business (mine). All year through, I could feel us rowing our oars in the same direction, equally pulling, equally determined … but by November we were both quite depleted. Thankfully, a previously scheduled trip to Sandals Royal Plantation (our “go to” resort for times when we just want to lie on a beach) gave us time to refresh and put our relationship back on the front burner.
If I had a re-wind, I’d have made sure we had carved out time to turn inward earlier and often, taking care of ourselves and each other more than we did. I’ll take this lesson with me for the next time Life throws a lot our way. Still, I’m gratified to know that through the hardest of times, the bedrock of our relationship grew stronger.
You can spend your life wishing others will give you what you need, or you can find ways to give it to yourself.
They say when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive, and man, was I ready. Amidst all that life was throwing at us, I was still a seeker of personal growth, and I learned so much about myself this year.
I found myself connecting with mentors who inspired me. I took two courses and read a handful of books that gave me new insights into the thoughts and beliefs that have resulted in both my successes and shortcomings in life. I envision sharing more details of my journey at a future date, but for now, the high level insight is this: for much of my life, I’ve sought validation from others that I am worthy of being loved. And in 2023, at age 56, through lesson after lesson, I finally learned how to give that validation to myself.
It’s life-changing to realize that you can have the recognition you’ve craved from others without sacrificing your own needs through people-pleasing contortions, trying desperately to “earn” what we all deserve — to be seen and to be loved, just as we are. Over the past few months, I feel reinvented from this discovery, and so very excited about the future as a result of this one big and beautiful lesson.
Focusing on habits is way more impactful than focusing on outcomes in creating the life of your dreams.
My whole life, I’ve set goals and made resolutions. I generally achieve what I set out to do, and I have rarely paused to thank or reward myself, just moving on to the next item on my list.
But …. I’ve also set goals and resolutions that I failed to achieve. Why?!?
I’ve never understood why I have sometimes just given up on a goal that I wanted to achieve so badly, only to reset it as a goal again the following year.
And 2023 gave me the gift of insight into this too …. it’s because our habits are way more important in building the life we desire than just putting a goal out there at some point in the future. I can set a goal (to lose 20 pounds) and create a plan (eat less, work out more, keto, paleo, diet du jour) and get very excited. But then life happens and before I know it, I am not following the plan, and I haven’t achieved my goal, and I feel frustrated and I quit on myself.
But what I’ve learned is, setting goals keeps you focused on the GOALS. Building habits keeps you grounded in doing the work each day. If my goal is to lose 20 pounds, I can focus on building the habit of eating less. I don’t have to smash a goal – I can simply practice eating less and learn my way through the process. I can build measurement around it – did I do this one simple habit today? I can build inquiry around it – how can I make this habit easier for me or why is this simple habit a struggle? And I can celebrate around it — either celebrating myself for executing the habit, or celebrating the wisdom I gained by asking myself hard questions when I didn’t. Learning, improving, and celebrating every day? I’ll take it!
Tools Used for Annual Review
Three major life lessons delivered in 2023, and I am better for them. In order to come to recognize these life lessons, I followed an “annual review” process over a couple of days. The one I used (and plan to repeat in the years ahead) is The Best Year Journal by Intelligent Change, which you can buy in book form on Amazon or in PDF form on their website (which also offers the book format in a variety of bundles). What I value in this book is that it not only provides thoughtful questions to evaluate your year, but it walks you through setting up goals for the coming year AND gives you a tool to process lessons learned and progress every week. A weekly review is a great habit I will be instilling this year.
Alternatively, yesterday I learned of a free resource for an annual review called Year Compass. It’s a free download with excellent questions for reflecting on your year. I’m so impressed with this organization (they now publish this printable booklet in 66 languages!) that I joined their Patreon to support their efforts. I think there is so much value in taking time to reflect and their generosity in providing this resource free to the world is inspiring.
I’m looking forward to 2024, and I’m looking forward to getting to know you. I’d love it if you’d share some of your own lessons learned so we can all learn and grow with each other. See you next year! 🙂